I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!