Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel