Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection