Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”