FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*