Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
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If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Warm pools make me nervous.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece