Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
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Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria