*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
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How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad