They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
who wants to go expliring
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.