YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.