Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how