“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
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*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.