Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions