[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.