In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???