Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
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Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
everyone has that one prude friend
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that