You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
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Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕