Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
August 8
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.