[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”