I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
dutch is not a serious language
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!