I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
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Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Air conditioning – not a fan
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Perfection.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what