My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.