Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!