Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
You Might Also Like
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us