DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date