*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
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life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
The Struggle
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.