I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY