Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.