fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
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“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?