Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
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A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”