My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
every single time
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Every work call, he judges.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.