That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
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If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers