Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase