I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.