*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.