HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.