Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.