I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
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The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.