To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
secret recipe
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date