In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
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Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Don’t tell me what to do
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?