waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
#CatsOnTwitter
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up