I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]