After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
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Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?