Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
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Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
my name if I was in the mob
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Friends that check up on you >
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.