7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Just a reminder, folks:
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
#Caturday
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin