My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My biological clock is wheezing.