“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know