Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
From Facebook just now…
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific