“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack