The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
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Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”